Sam's Birthday

Sam's birthday was in July, but I wanted to make sure I got it documented, since I wasn't consistently blogging at the time.

- I  made Sam a tie-dye cake.
- We all went to the theatre to watch the Lego Movie.
- We started a new tradition for the first teenage birthday.  Their own soda (he chose Sprite), since they weren't allowed soda in my house before 13 to protect their developing teeth other than special occasions... namely Superbowl.  And their own pizza... that they don't have to share.  He picked plain cheese.
- His main gift was a cell phone... for apps and texting under supervision - no cellular plan, just usable on WiFi.
- He was granted the right to have his own Facebook account... also fully supervised.

And thus... we launched headfirst into the teenage years.  It's been a really rocky start... My eldest is giving me a lot of challenges that go way beyond normal teenage issues.  His electronics have been all taken away for a while, his freedoms extremely limited. There may be some big adjustments ahead for Sam.  Stay tuned.

Molly

Molly was adopted at age 6. She came with her biological brother, from a very rough beginning.  Much of what happened to them before joining our family, we still don't know.  The way those wounds manifested in her behaviors gave us a child who was belligerent, entitled, violent, destructive, dishonest and... shall we say... physically inappropriate?  She needed her own room, with an alarm on the door. We had security cameras all over the house. She was almost always in my line of sight.  And still, somehow she continued to kick holes in walls, rip wallpaper, make obscene phone calls to strangers, make false allegations, and endanger others.  Eventually the hard decision was made to send her to a boarding school for girls with severe behavior issues stemming from reactive attachment disorder.  She and I flew out in May of 2013 to take her to her new residential school in Mississippi. By the first of July, the girls in the school had banded together to make false allegations of abuse against the school staff and the school was shut down... we all had to go get our girls immediately.

Molly admitted to me immediately that none of what they told the sheriff or the child protection social workers actually happened... but the older girls told her if she said what they told her to, she'd get to go home.  And what do you know? It worked.

In early December 2013 the school reopened (the case the state was making against the school was dropped for lack of evidence... many of the girls had written statements renouncing their original accounts.)  Molly's behavior had continued to escalate, and the family was not safe with her here.  So once again, she and I made the trek to Mississippi. And again... in the beginning of July, I got a phone call... "come get your daughter."  According to the school staff, despite their decades of experience with these kinds of girls... MY daughter was beyond their help.  How's that for a badge of honor?  My daughter got kicked out of a boarding school for behaviorally challenged girls because she was too much for them to handle.  She isn't welcome back.

I flew to Mississippi to retrieve her, scared of what I was going to encounter, deeply concerned about how I was going to handle her by myself. 

But the truth is... despite some nasty preteen moments, and a bit of lingering entitlement that will probably always be an issue... since returning home, Molly has been my easiest child.  Granted, a few others have gotten exponentially worse in the past year or so... but Molly has matured and grown and I honestly believe her boarding school helped her... even when they thought she was beyond their help.  I enjoy this kid now!  I'm glad she's home.

Confessions of a Former Homeschooler

Yep... I said former.  I'm no longer homeschooling my children.

When my ex first moved out, I took a short break from homeschooling and put the kids in school while I figured out how to balance everything as a single mom.  (Ultimately, I found out I couldn't!) 

Last year I pulled them all back out of public school and began homeschooling again, but used a computer-based curriculum, to ease back in, and not overwhelm myself.  They quickly fell behind.  It seems they picked up some little habits at school... like... not doing the assigned work, because it didn't really matter in public school whether they did it or not, for the most part.)  I adjusted and readjusted.  I reorganized.  I simplified.  I dropped subjects that weren't absolutely necessary for the time being.  And still, they couldn't catch up.  They lied about doing assignments.  They complained.  They gave minimal effort.  Despite being warned repeatedly that if they didn't complete the year's work, they wouldn't move forward... that they would either be held back to repeat that year or they'd be put back in public school... they continued to slack off and fell further and further behind on work that was neither too much nor too difficult for them.  So well in to what should have been our summer, I gave them a choice.  You can put in the work... and continue behing homeschooled, like you insist you want... or you can quit now and go back to public school, knowing once I'm not homeschooling anymore, I don't plan to do it again.  So, once you go to school, you're staying there.

Molly immediately gave up.  (Yes, Molly's back home.  More on that in a future post.) 

The boys continued to lie and cheat on their work... sealing their fate as well.

Hallie... well, she was determined.  Through (figurative) blood, sweat and (literal) tears of both herself AND her grandma, who dedicated her summer to doing study hall so Hallie could catch up, Hallie finished her work a week before school was set to begin again, and was my only remaining homeschooler.  (Happy birthday, by the way, Mom!)  That lasted only a few weeks.  Despite her insistence that she wanted to remain homeschooled, bit by bit, she delayed and complained, and finally one afternoon, she dug in her heels and refused to do her work.  So I told her to grab a backpack, and I immediately drove her to the middle school where her brothers attend, to enroll her.

 

So... all my kids are in school. 

 

Hallie (6th grade) has joined the band and hopes to play the flute.

 

Gideon (7th grade) has joined the soccer team and has practice everyday after school... they had their first game yesterday, and unfortunately lost... but there are plenty more games!

 

Molly (5th grade) is applying to join a girls running program after school 2 days a week.

 

Sam (8th grade) is preparing for high school and... well... so far he's giving his new special education teacher plenty to handle.  That boy's gonna be the death of us all.

 

And as for me... I'm figuring out what to do when your full identity has been turned on it's head.  Homemaker, wife, homeschool teacher and foster/adoptive mom... becomes... just... Hilary.  This transformation hasn't been easy.  It's required the support of a few faithful, understanding friends, and admittedly, also a prescription for antidepressants.  But a few things are in the works, and I'm figuring out who this new person is, bit by bit... in the end, I think I'll be as surprised as you to find out who I end up.

New Beginnings

Yesterday my divorce was finalized.  At 2:45 pm, I entered the courthouse... went through the metal detectors, took the elevator to the 2nd floor, walked to the commissioner's courtroom and took a seat.  After finishing the previous case that went overtime, I was called to the front to be sworn in and read my prepared statement for the court record.  Identifying information, legal mumbo-jumbo, and in the middle of it all... one important statement.

"My marriage is irretrievably broken."

By 3:20, I was out the door... declared divorced and my new name announced.  My new name.  My old name.  My maiden name, reclaimed.  The name change was a difficult topic for me.  I could have kept my ex-husband's last name.  My ex had no problem with it.  My kids preferred it.  But I realized I had no attachment to the name, had never liked it, and part of moving on was leaving it behind.  The struggle came with realizing that 16 years ago... the last time I had my maiden name... I was a completely different person than I am now.  I don't even know that girl anymore.  Struggles mature us. Pain breaks and rebuilds us.  Nearly everything in my life seems to have changed and I'm trying to figure out what I want and need from this life... while still handling the responsibilities that remain.

Welcome to the journey...